Page 293 - The Grotesque Children's Book

Tozzo whirled blindly around, sputtering, allowing Piccino (you can see this coming)
silently to run another rotation around the circle and whk! went Piccino's birch, directly across
Tozzo's bollocks.

“Three for the testicoli! The score stands six to none!”

Finally Tozzo came to his (few) senses and darted away, at last to run around the circle.
His long legs gave him an advantage and he soon outran his opponent and stuck out blindly,
thwacking Piccino at the shoulder.

“Point to Tozzo. Six to one.”

Why didn't Piccino simply stand there and whack Tozzo? By the rules, you were allowed
only one score per revolution of the gaming circle, and you were constrained to run
counterclockwise. A score could be one of the following: a single point for a palpable hit, a
double point for a buttocks hit, or a triple hit for the testicoli. These requirements encouraged
the sport (if you could call it that) to evolve into more of a race and a cat-and-mouse strategy
game, and less of an excuse for two men to stand next to each other and beat each other to
bruised messes. Instead, it forced them to run in circles while beating each other to bruised
messes. Sports have evolved so much since the days of these medieval-minded barbarians.

A game of Birch Bough Blind was played to nine points. So, in theory score three rounds
each of a triple bollock thrash and you've won. More typically, it took two dozen or so runs
around the circle, for you didn't always connect with your opponent. Doubles and triples were
rare. One run around the playing area usually resulted in a mere single hit to the arm or the leg,
or no hit at all. And the more rounds there were, the dizzier became the combatants and the
more frequent the misses. Nevertheless, Piccino's lead of six points to one was difficult to
overcome, especially when his opponent was as dull-witted as Tozzo. Oh, but do not
underestimate the power of self-determination! My friends have bet on me! thought Tozzo.
They've put money they can't afford to lose...on me. I will not let them down. It may be six to
one at the moment, but I can -- “

Thwap! While Tozzo was screwing his courage to the sticking point, Piccino had dashed
around and caught Tozzo by surprise with a solid strike in the rear.

“Two points Piccino. The score is eight to one.”

Tozzo put his head down and his birch in front of him, and with a great roar, ran as fast as
he could around the circle, knowing he could overtake his opponent easily. This, in fact, he did.
Recall that both players were blindfolded. But because of the roaring, Piccino knew at every
moment exactly where Tozzo was, so Piccino simply waited stock-still for Tozzo to come right
to where Piccino stood. Not yet re-qualified to make another point himself, Piccino squatted and
ducked, ensuring Tozzo's swinging birch rod would miss him entirely. Tozzo kept thundering on
around the circle. Piccino picked himself up and continued around the circle. Tozzo was faster
than Piccino, so when Tozzo circled round yet another time, still roaring, Piccino once again
squatted low on the ground, hearing Tozzo roar past him. By this time, Piccino calculated he
himself had traversed the entire circle and was entitled to another hit. Tozzo continued around

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