Page 272 - The Grotesque Children's Book

“I'm honored,” said Valerius, fumbling with a hat and a doctor’s bag, uncertain whether
to sit or stand. “And not a little bit frightened, I have to admit.”

The Duke gestured to a chair, next to his own royal person, in an effort to be chummy
and confidential. “No, no, nothing to be frightened about. I sneeze and fart just like everyone
else.”

“I'm sure you do,” said Valerius, “or -- don't. I'm -- I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to
acknowledge your farts or not.”

“Here. Let me get that over with!” And Francesco blew a loud, rattley fart. “Well, we
both heard that, didn't we?” He laughed, causing the doctor to laugh as well.

“I've heard of breaking bread together,” said the doctor --

“But not breaking wind? Oh, fun, fun. Off to a great start! Lorenzo, is it?”

“Ludovico.”

“Ludovico. Glad to meet you. Even if things don't work out as a result of this interview,
I'll reward you handsomely.”

“That won't be necessary.”

“Of course it will.” The Duke scowled at the thin doctor. “Why is it you working class
are so quick to refuse payment and offer your services to royalty for free? Why must you fawn
so?”

“I -- Is that what I'm doing? Offering my services for free? Because, actually, I have
been nurturing the idea of charging you royally for my services and --”

“Good for you, Ludovico. You're not intimidated by me, and I like that!”

“I actually am very intimidated, your Majesty. This whole secret visit...it's....Have I done
something wrong?” The doctor was wringing his hat into a wretched mess.

“No, no. Exactly the opposite, Ludovico. I'm looking for someone to look after my wife.
And I'm hoping that someone might be you. She has these instances of shivering, and I don't
think she wants me to know about them. So I'm looking for a discreet doctor who will treat her,
but not let her know the results are getting back to me. Is that you, Doctor? Are you discreet?”

“I am, yes.”

“Good!” Francesco continued, “I have heard you have had good success treating fevers,
Doctor Valerius.”

“Well, success treating fevers which I have been able to identify, yes,” replied the
Doctor. “If I know which fever it is, then I have several different possible remedies.”

“You mean cooking.”

“Cooking? No. No necessarily.”

“But isn’t fever merely a malfunctioning of the cooking process?” asked the Duke.

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